As I read Charmaine's blog, I thought about my Grandma and Uncle who lost to cancer. I think 3 of my other grandparents (whom I've never gotten a chance to see) died of cancer too. I'm not very sure about that.

Come to think of it, if that's really the case, cancer has taken 5 family members away from me. F-I-V-E.

I can't help but to cry so hard every time I think about it. Even as I am blogging now, I'm bawling my eyes out.

The pain is indescribable. I can't describe this. It's like, I've never really spent quality time with them, but they had to leave me so soon. I didn't even get the chance to hug them once more. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to any of them.

When Grandma left, I was in school. When Uncle left, I was on the way to my aunty's house to pick smth up.
When I was born, my 3 other grandparents were not around.

Why?

I hate this feeling. I hate this feeling. I hate this feeling. I hate this feeling. I hate this feeling.

I want to control my tears but I am sorry I can't. They just keep rolling down my cheeks.

I feel so terribly hurt whenever I'm reminded of the deaths of them. I would constantly remind myself not to think about how much they suffered before they passed away, but every time, it ended up in an abject failure and like tonight, tears flowed down as if from a tap.

I can't express enough how devastated I am right now. It's 3.08am in the morning and here I am on my bed, with my iPhone, blogging and crying at the same time; making myself sound barely coherent.

I know that there is nothing I can do. All I can say and do is to cherish every single one around you. Never take anybody for granted. You'll regret it one fine day.

I know I am selfish, but I'd rather die before any of my loved ones so that I wouldn't need to bid another eternal goodbye. However, I reflected. It should be the other way round if I love them. I don't know why I'm talking about such stuff. Maybe because I'm afraid, maybe because I'm exceptionally emotional tonight.

To all who have lost the battle to the terrible monster named Cancer, you've won in my heart and I will always be proud of you.

And I'll never forgive this monster.

Missyousomuch,
YSL ♥